eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
