I want to make a zoo with you.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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