Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
