Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
