Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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