my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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