I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
