What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i love accidental penises.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This is my gift to your gina
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
