Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize