The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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