Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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