Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
