I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
