i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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