we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
