i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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