He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
