the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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