I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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