FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
