I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
