How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
