dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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