I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
