why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
