Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize