Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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