My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
