i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
