OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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