I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
