Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She even gives head with a lisp.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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