I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
