he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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