I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dick very happy bro
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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