i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
