This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
