Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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