The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
