Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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