I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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