i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Randomize
