After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
