You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
