Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
