I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
