oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
