Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
