Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
