Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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