I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
