when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize