youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize