Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
