haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
