sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
