bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You made out with two different species that night
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
