Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
