everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
