Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize