I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize