I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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