Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
