I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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