if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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