I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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