fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
