dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
