Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
