After last night, I could never be a politician.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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